le sigh.

learning a lot about myself

man, just when i started to think i really knew all i knew about myself, i realized there’s so much more that i am discovering about myself. each day, i either find something new or reinforce something that i have learned. 

some things i like some things i don’t, but each make up who i am. some things i would like to keep and other’s i would like to change. its interesting to see much there really is to an individual and what we are made up of. 

sometimes i feel like i don’t really fully know myself and i can say i am consciously admitting that now. that’s fine with me. there will always be more to explore, but i guess i just have to make light of what is important to me and what isn’t. what i want to be and what i dont. what i like and what i hate. 

Temet nosce; tibi ipsi confide

old habits die hard.

I’ve come to reassess that old habits die hard. It is quite difficult for a person to change and to be changed. Not that it is not possible whether for good or bad, but people intrinsically become hardened to who and what they are. What I realized though is that “growing up” is learning about those characteristics and furthermore deciding what you want to do about it. Do you want to continue to stay that person, or do you want to change to become better? 

Some habits start early, some later on in life. What I am deciding to do is understand what is true to me and what I need to change. These changes are by choice and things I want to do for myself. I see them as flaws and to better myself, I have independently decided to do something about it. I have tried time and time again. Each time it slowly creeps closer to being the new revision of myself. Though at times it seems like these changes are irrelevant or indistinct they are there. They are there with a purpose and though others may not see it, I know the work that went into that miniscule change, each time stepping closer to my end goal. 

I realized though, how I am is how I should be as well. Not to contradict myself in my previous statements though, but deciding and really taking time out to ask myself, are the characteristics I behold whom I want to be? Some things I have decided already for myself and those are things I stick to. I guess this is just the whole growing up process. 

motivation. continued.

motivation.

It’s been a while since I have done some writing. Hopefully I still have it. 

Motivation has really been fluctuating lately. It’s an interesting cycle to see as it has its peaks and valleys. It’s definitely a valley period as things have become dry and skewed. The desire and drive has slowly diminished as I find it hard to push forward with the same intensity as I did in the past. I guess it’s just a phase that will once again rise to a peak. Actually not guess, know.

Striving to have that same desire to push forward has been a struggle but quite honestly I know it will be back. I just need to refocus and realign my focus. I need to slow it down and scale back to move forward. The end goal looks so far whatever it maybe but I know that eventually it will come. 

Context

Context is a powerful utility to express yourself. The message is not always as direct as it may appear to be. The words released are the same canvas, but the context is the paint that changes what those words mean. Context at times is either unappreciated or unnoticed. Missing the context misses what the speaker truly means. 

I would like to think that I pickup on indirect verbal cues but maybe it is a skill I have and need to continue to hone in on still. Sometimes I wonder if everyone considers the context that they are a part of.  

Accepting and Associating

I realized I have left this medium for a while now and maybe I should contribute once again. This really aided me in relieving some things prior and I have sadly forgotten it for these past few weeks/months. 

I ponder how to reason with myself when it comes to acceptance. I feel like I am at a point where I am struggling with what to “accept” versus being uncertain if something is okay to ponder over. This is obviously a very ambiguous statement and rightfully so, yet I still continue to find myself in a pickle at times with myself. 

I am uncertain of how to go about things or how to not allow myself to contemplate on the past. The past is supposed to teach us things no? Of course it is, at least that’s what I have always thought, but at the same time, those lessons are there for a reason correct? Hence my struggle. Did I really learn from them already, or am I using them as a crutch to steer myself from failure or disappointment again? 

Another topic that has been pretty prevalent in my head as of late has been associations. Obviously our psyche has been trained to remember things more strongly when something profound occurs versus smaller details in our lives. This is something that has been reoccurring and much more apparent as of lately. Things that once would have been stages of fun and excitement turned back into bad memories. How to disconnect these associations with their former bad times, I am uncertain, but I would hope that I can eventually find these places to be the venues they were meant to be. The locations, beautiful and peaceful as they were intended instead of the memories I have tainting these locations.

I guess it’s a start.